Tags
Canada, Death, Domestic violence, drunk, remorse, survivor, Violence and Abuse, women, writing
Can we really end it together? I'm not so sure it will ever end.
What is four years for a fatal beating?
That was the sentence as reported in The Abbotsford News Friday October 7, 2011. It was for the beating death of a common-law spouse. Apparently she had a known heart condition and he not only chose to beat her (drunk is NOT an excuse for driving a vehicle in Canada any longer and in my opinion it is NOT an excuse for cruel, inhumane physical or emotional battering either) but according the report, he left her there without assistance afterward. She died. Should this known heart condition not have been more reason to increase his sentence, not less?
He was remorseful according the report: “would not have done this if he had been sober.” Read the article yourself here:
http://www.bclocalnews.com/fraser_valley/abbynews/news/131258409.html
Justice or not? You already know my opinion on this from my opening question.
Everyone will have a different viewpoint and that’s fine. If it was your Mom, sister, friend, relative who died, would this really be okay with you? Why are we not allowed to drive drunk and kill people? What’s the difference between driving drunk or beating drunk?
It’s all a choice in my opinion. I cannot understand this sentencing and am sure I never will.
My thoughts are with the dead woman’s family this third Thanksgiving weekend without her. She did not deserve to die this way and they did not deserve to lose her this way.
Years ago I wrote a piece of approximately 5,000 words for a justice publication. The topic was domestic violence and new services to address/stop it. In doing the research, I kept hearing from people working in various levels or branches of the social system, “why do these women stay?” or “what is wrong with these women?” or “these hysterical *itches will just go back again, why bother?”
Like I said in that piece, “Why doesn’t HE just stop?”
Domestic violence is all too common with women, children and men (yes, men) enduring abuses daily. We already know what her family will say. What do you say?
People are so sexist nowadays! It’s not the woman’s fault all the time! I agree with you: “Why doesn’t HE just stop?” Some people can be drunk but aren’t violent at all. Therefore those cruel men who beat their wife don’t deserve such a faithful wife, who chose to stay with him because she LOVES her husband. Doesn’t man know respect anymore?
that’s great news!
By the way congrats for the 5000 words article
Thank you, Daphnee, for reading my latest post. My 5000 word article was nearly two decades ago now, how time flies. Glad you enjoyed the piece, it is a funny thing when people lose their ability or make a choice to with hold basic, human respect, isn’t it. Sexism can colour everything in our world if we let it, I agree, but if we rail against it and shout out for fairness in all we do, I think we can change things for the better… if only inch by wee inch… it’s still worth it. True some people drink and do not choose violence at all which just helps illustrate my point, that it is a choice. Thanks for the read, CC
This is all too common and, as you point out, it’s nothing new. Blaming the victim for staying is just evidence that people still don’t get it.
When women leave, their chances for surviving the next attack go down dramatically (or the violence escalates). The problem is not with the women; it’s with a society that condones violence as a way of solving disputes, especially among men (but not exclusively).
The saddest thing of all is that for every case in domestic violence that end like this, there are untold thousands of women (and hundreds of men) being emotionally, verbally, sexually, and physically abused every moment who will never report it. Only the extreme cases come to our collective attention, so the problem doesn’t seem as large.
Thanks for raising such an important social issue. How do we create a culture shift where we stop glorifying violence in the media, sports, language, etc.?
That, I do not know. But Ghandi had the right idea when he said: “Be the change you want to see.” That’s all I really know to do. Sad but true that as “a society that condones violence” as a means of resolving conflict (hah, another oxymoron in motion here), it is challenging beyond sad. Maybe we can just do our part in our own little corner of the world and that will ripple out to one another? It’s a big issue everywhere, I don’t believe there is a culture or gender free of it and the intergenerational issues dictate that it will not stop until it stops being an acceptable way of life because there is a better choice. Choices. I choose light. Remember my piece on why I believe the hockey riots happened? Little by little. Inch by inch. Together. That’s all I know for sure, Lorna. Thanks for adding your voice to this very serious issue that does not appear to be abating anytime soon.
Thanks for including the guys in your post. I had a friend who was involved in an abusive relationship. It was commonplace for his wife to fly into a rage and choke him, slap him and punch him. He never retaliated. It took him almost five years to leave her. We all told him what she was doing was wrong, but he stayed until he’d had enough. I had to draw a line in the sand with him. I told him if she ever behaved that way in front of us, we’d call the police. If he showed up at our house with marks on him, we’d call the police. It was the only power we had to help him…..I know what it’s like to be stuck in an abusive situation from my childhood. People don’t realize how hard it is to walk away. There is a lot of fear motivating people to stay in these situations. Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes before saying how you’d react.
Hey, Miranda, when I used to do presentations on the stats, this one always got me: It takes an abused partner 34 attempts to leave.
Of course, that only applies if they have strength enough to try to leave. People are just all too ready in our world to say idiiotic things like: “What did you do to bring this on yourself?” Gawd.
Walk a mile in someone else’s moccasins is right. Fear is just the tip of the ice berg. Self esteem and personal power are so violated, most who manage to free themselves of the situation spend the rest of their days working on themselves just to feel good again.
Oh boy, there I go again.
Just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing your experience. Happens to so many, women, men, children, just needs to stop. As do those myopic judgements of the shocked, traumatized and brutalized survivors. That they breathe on is miraculous.
Makes you want to get drunk and beat the “crap” out of him. Domestic violence happens even when not under the influence of anything. A person ultimately has the choice to follow through on an action or not. Domestic violence occurs with mental and emotional abuse and progresses to physical which is why it is so difficult to walk away. I strongly urge the next time you see a woman with a bruise on her arms or face you offer help. Never turn your back. You can save a life! Yotaki
LOL Forgive me the laughter Yotaki, but your first sentence just struck my funy bone so hard, I could not contain it, LOL Okay, I know my humor is unconventional but what would I be, were I not eccentric, as my mother used to say. I love it. And your viewpoint. I so agree that you can save a life if you don’t turn your back. Maybe more than one when children are involved. Thanks for your input. Once again confirms who you are
Smiles,
Janice (Aurora)
I agree. People are always talking about her as if she is the problem. The problem is him. Or vice versa depending on who is the abuser. It is very unfortunate that men are underrepresented when men/women abuse them. That is also horrific. It doesn’t matter what gender you are, you shouldn’t be abused: physically, sexually, mentally or verbally. It is a cruel world we live in but at least we have some people trying to make the world better.
Being drunken is never an excuse. And if it EVEN was, it was their fault for getting drunk (they were sober and allowed themselves to drink until intoxicated). Hence; still their fault.
- Ermisenda
Thanks for adding your voice to the conversation, Ermisenda. Let’s hope our collective voices somehow do make the world a better place, if not at the very least, safer.