Caught Cheating Online

Desire Me (detail)

While I’ve never used Facebook for romance or dating, it’s friends, family and readers/followers only, as a single, I did join a few dating sites.

Dating sites where married men finally exposed themselves through the patterns/time of their “availability” which was confirmed when I asked: “Are you married?” This was not exclusive to one dating site either. Free, paid, questionnaires out the ying-yang, there is no mechanism to determine when you are dealing with a determined liar. I know, I know, women do this, too.  Men do not have the market cornered on deceitful behaviour by any stretch. But the married people usually vanish before you can utter instantly. Except for one woman who sat across the table from one of my guy friends at a very fine dining establishment when she told him on their first “real” date, even getting upset with his reaction, after telling him there was no reason they couldn’t continue because her marriage was long dead and she was happy to have found someone like him, now she could think about finally ending her bad marriage once and for all. He was not happy and wherever she is, whoever she is busy deceiving next, she clearly is not either.

Luckier are those who know enough to close their deceitful books promptly. I have no time for deceit of any kind especially on the front end of things, even in forging a new female friendship. It does not bode for a happy future for anyone. You must ask yourself, if this is how you are meeting them and they you, could this not simply repeat itself when the fireworks of “newness” get old, again and again and again… as is bound to happen for those who grow obsessed with chasing the quantity of thrill over lasting quality.

I did manage to probe into the mind of one and asked him: why are you even on here?

It led to a lengthy conversation that took him places he did not anticipate going. This conversation unfolded over the course of about a week or so and I learned a lot about his psyche, his motivation but when it was all said and done, cheating is still cheating. Cyber, real world or not.

Without any urging from me, he shared that he was closing his account and thanked me for letting him share so openly. He said he had realized a lot and probably wasn’t even being fair to his wife. You’d be surprised to find that you can probably share all of this with your own wife is just one of the things I told him. At least he was willing to try.

Kudos for the backbone to even try where many still nurture a wishbone they are never likely to realize anyway. The grass really isn’t as green as you think on the other side. I’ve been to the other side and I can tell you from personal experience of navigating the emerald jungle, the yellowing thatch is just as thick below all those enticing blades of green and aeration may be necessary much more frequently than it was with your last partner.  Aeration may not even work. You may find that being alone is easier than bothering to try.

As a good friend who happens to be male says of the dating sites, after three years of “codswallop” and lies, he looks at new profiles of women thinking, “What’s wrong with this one?”

Online betrayals are as painful as real world betrayals. This I know from one friend’s marriage that ended because of it and my own experience of surviving years and years of online betrayal. There is much to be said on this topic, the least of which is not the psychological effects of our choices on others as well as on ourselves. My husbands self-esteem and integrity diminished as did my own with each subsequent betrayal and shame was the world we both lived in. He, for making the choices time and time again and me for believing he wouldn’t anymore, time and time again.

If there is no solid ground of trust remaining any longer, no grass will ever grow no matter the seedings and feedings of fertilizer. Blown away by revealing gusts of repetitious history, absent seeds make it impossible to trust the person again. Once, okay. Twice, maybe. Three times, well… Thirty times, unreal… Three hundred times… it all becomes fertilizer on barren ground.

If sex is all in the mind as so many maintain, we don’t need to change partners, we just need to change our minds about the one we are with. If Viktor Frankl can change his mind after what he endured (Man’s Search for Meaning), we, too, have the capacity to change our minds about any situation. Don’t we? Okay, maybe not.

I don’t believe we always have the capacity to do so, sometimes we simply don’t, especially where we are shattered by mental thrashings that threaten to destroy our very being. What I believe we can do even in this weakened state, is recognize the inability to make a clear decision and withdraw from the situation until we can (I speak of myself).

Sometimes we truly do not want to change our minds, even if we know we are on a train destined to breach the rails and wreck down the side of an innocent mountain. I’ve seen this behaviour in addictive personalities I lived with for years. Regrets and remorse abound, but always too little, too late and too temporary. Sometimes there is no healing possible. There is only moving on… when strong enough… if strong enough…

Nor is the person we are involved with able or willing to do the same as we do, whatever it is we decide to finally do or not do – inherent human limitations – but then, relationships are never solo, it wouldn’t be called relationship if so. Even in friendships… ah trade offs, trade offs, life’s almighty balancer

If ever it happens that we reach a definitive understanding of human nature, I’d like to be the first to hear of it.

In the meantime, if you are married and online seeking some fun, talk to me, baby.

I’ll give you plenty to think about that you didn’t bargain for.

You’ll probably vanish at my first questions anyway but if you don’t, you might just learn something that your wife would like to one day thank me for.

My father used to play and sing this song often. It was a song he knew well. Though not a fan of country music, I can sing many songs word for word, this one included.

8 thoughts on “Caught Cheating Online

  1. You are right, cheating is cheating. When it starts online, it just is a stepping stone to real life cheating. Why even start? Great job making that man stop and think. Blessings and love, Terri

  2. Cheating on line IS cheating in real life. Even when I first ask are you married or living with someone they still lie. Your friend looks at women on line and asks whats wrong with this one? Granted women cheat too but maybe what is wrong is that she has run into one too many cheating hearts.
    Love grows over the cup of coffee, the shared interest, listening to what another has to say taking pride in the other persons accomplishments which is why so many relationships begin at work and why it is so easy to cheat on line. If there should be another love in my life he will first be my best friend, believe in my dream or if he does not he supports me in my belief of my dream, accepts me for who and what I am, no matter how many watches you buy me I will not wear it so stop trying to change me. My ex bought me watches for my birthday, christmas and so on I never wore a single one. Hence the ex. he never saw me only what he wanted to see.
    This is me catch me if you can! :0) Yotaki Beautywalk

    • So true! And many do still “choose” to lie. It’s a hard road to navigate but believe it, see it and keep on walking tall as you always do. It’s what I say to myself… over and over and over… lol. Thank you so kindly for swinging by with your comments, Yotaki, I know how busy you are right now. Much gratitude,

  3. Why doesn’t it surprise me you were able to convince this guy of the error of his ways? It’s a shame most guys flee after the first question. You could save a lot of marriages.

    I’m not a country music fan, either, but Hank Williams Sr. had some good ones.

    • Erin! You not so foggy mama, LOL That’s one of the best compliments I’ve ever had, LOL I know, it’s like Johnny Cash, you can’t hate what you know is great even if it isn’t for you :) Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. See you soon!

  4. I once told you, J, that I’m not a good person. I’m not going to use this thread as a psychotherapy session, but I will tell you that I have been a cheat at times in my life. Big time. Being a cheat didn’t make me happy any more than not being a cheat did, and that’s that. I have no idea why this particular building-block is here in the shaky edifice of my character, but it is.

    • Well, you’ve said two things I appreciate without saying much. One is your own honesty about your “humanness.” The other thing you said is that it is a building block in your character. How else can we grow, imperfect beings we all are, without foundation. Just growing as I go, alongside you and everyone else and sharing bits of my own experiences in the learning curve. Thanks for the read and your always welcome feedback, M.

Love and peace to you... your thoughts are always welcome here...

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