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Hey! Calling me a stupid, ugly little bird isn't helping anything. All I said was when you pig the birdseed it makes me feel like you don't even care about me and I would prefer you share. Besides, did you forget we are twins?
What is arguing?
To me, it is debate. Two or more minds clash on concepts, ideas, assumptions, suppositions (even redundancies), and that is really all it is. We can, of course, rationalize the truth of the need for the argument into infinity. But might that not simply lead to another argument? That truth is all relative, for instance?
Taken out of context, arguing can literally escalate to far out-do any game of Family Feud or Hatfield and McCoy Neighbour Knock-Down and even war, if the power holders fail to reach some agreement to, as my friend so eloquently puts it, “respectfully disagree.” Imagine the centuries of strife humans could have been spared if someone revolted against carrying old battles forward into the future, publicly, politically and within families. The kind of history I would like to make is one founded on respect.
Respect is the operative word. Respect for ideas, respect for beliefs, respect for others and respect for myself intact, that I respected others. Respectfully disagreeing is one option in this way of being. In the heat of an argument there is no room for disrespect.
Oh, I know people online especially on so-called “social” sites can develop a “keyboard warrior” mentality and publicly disrespect others as well as themselves with every keystroke. Why not? We live in a world where it’s okay for politicians on podiums to slag one another off verbally for the sake of a vote or two. But they’ll not have mine. Nor will any person who resorts to “slagging” anyone for their character or way of being in the world as a form of argument, whether private or in public. To me, that is simply a sign that their argument had no acceptable foundation whatsoever.
Recount? What recount? It was right the first two wrongs. Wasn't it? Well some of us did agree. Didn't we?
Arguments are bound to happen whether with family, friends, room mates, co-workers, service providers or teachers. Teachers, however can take many forms in my world and the official title need not apply in academics. These people who teach us as we observe how to “argue” with health show up every where. From self-help books and talk show relationship advisors to the local merchant who may drop a wise kernel in your communications psyche without even knowing he or she did so. It may even be a friend who just listens well and instead of offering advice on how to resolve the “argument,” simply asks questions until you find your own answers.
There truly are moments in life when we can be our own best psychologists but in the emotion of the moment, our psyche can get snagged on what we perceive as a barb when it was merely a new rent forming in the fence that you might both pass through together.
I am neither a psychologist nor a communications specialist but I do have a few insights into arguing fairly that might help anyone who feels they are against a wall with no way out.
1. No name calling or labelling. Whenever we resort to such things as name-calling and/or denigration of character, we are already wrong. Disengage would be my option in this situation, cut it off and permit no further abuse.
2. No justifying. Whenever we are justifying, justifying, justifying, we are already wrong. A psychologist I worked with years ago told me this and it stuck. In the midst of disagreement, I try to pull focus, see the bigger picture when I am caught up in justifying. If I find myself justifying, I stop. Disarming both of us, this naturally achieves de-escalation, usually.
3. Healthy only. Healthy argument is not about being “right” or harming another. It is about growth, knowledge and enlightenment. Curiously, the enlightenment is often our own and not at all the other party(s). It can be as simple as recognizing there is no way out and choosing, as I said in an earlier piece, “silence as communication.” You may simply agree that while, you don’t see the situation under discussion in exactly the same way, that is really okay between you and you can leave it right there. This only works if both parties agree to “leave it there” and follow through. If one or the other cannot, it is a sure sign of a “disgruntled arguer” who wants their view to be the presiding conclusion as opposed to reaching a place of mutually respectful “understanding.” This is about control and in no way healthy in my book of life.
Wheel of human emotions... really? Where the heck is compassion then? Oh, wait. It must be wherever kindness is ... it's not there either. Not one for reinventing the wheel but in this case, I think I just may have to ...
4. Kindness. When all else fails, remember your kindness. We all have kindness within us and sometimes this kindness may simply take the form of removing yourself from the situation as I recently did when no words could break a stalemate. We have since moved onward and upward because each of us gave thought to the situation and returned anew, fresh ideas the conduit between us.
5. What can I learn? See it as learning because the truth is, we can’t learn anything new if we already agree whole heartedly or if we already know it and there is nothing worse than a know it all. Ask yourself, what can I learn here? Perhaps it is some new information, perhaps it is something about the other person(s) or something you did not know about yourself. Ask them questions to clarify what is being said. Arguments escalate all too rapidly on the fuel of misunderstanding.
6. Being Human. Recognize your own “humanness” and that you may fail. But failing, as in resorting to abuses of name calling and/or labelling is only an apology away from repair. This applies to the other party(s) as well. They, too, have a choice in recognizing, acknowledging and apologizing for their weaknesses.
Some of us took part in debates during our educational process where a moderator was always present. Sometimes I imagine there is a moderator when I am in a heated one on one situation and this instantly brings perspective because I find myself thinking, what would the moderator do or say? The heated debate or argument usually takes a positive turn at that juncture for both of us.
Related articles
- What does you can’t argue with ignorance mean (wiki.answers.com)
- Arguments: Why They Are Healthy (halfdiminished.wordpress.com)
- Teaching teens to argue well an essential skill: expert (ctv.ca)
Funny moment(s) in court when the attorney asking the accused: (with very all the power of his voice) ‘What did you DID’?? (repeated trimes)
LOL LOL
Arguments, we can see it everywhere. We’re wearing arguments everyday of our lives. And we handle them in different events, in different time, in different ways.
Yes, you are so correct. Both that it is everywhere and that different events, times and measures are so necessary for resolution of conflict.
It’s taken years, but I’ve finally learned to just shut my mouth when it’s obvious nothing I say is ever going to change the other person’s mind or vice versa.
Stalemates are okay.
Whew, even now, that’s hard to say. If only they’d see it my way….
LOL That is so true. Agreeing to disagree such a simple concept… why do so many find it so difficult to employ… oh well, I hear ya’ LOL
It’s like the old ‘irregular verb’ thing – I am a polemicist, you are a debater, he is argumentative.
Nice new skin, J
M
Again, you are absolutely correct you polemicist, you, LOL
I like my new skin, too, getting used to myself on a daily basis, lol.
Thanks for swinging by, M, see you soon
You’ve many helpful tips for not to fall in non-productive arguments, though it will still require years for me to finally be able to shut my mouth and let it go. When I was young I was insulted by many: my sister, my school ‘rivals’… But I managed to stay silent because getting into fits won’t help. But it’s hard not fall into arguments. Hate them so much! The arguments I mean
Love this post Aurora!
You are light years ahead of me, Daphnee. Shutting my mouth often means stuffing it full to both knees, lol. So right, silence is a far more gracious and satisfying choice than getting into fits. Thanks for the love
See your pages soon and Happy 2012, MD!
Good article. I’ve learned, over the years, to have healthy debates over touchy subjects with my oldest daughter, and my dad. In fact, when we all get together, we have quite a lot of fun “debating” subjects, from the economy to the prison systems. And we all still love each other when it’s over.
I have to say, I’ve learned a good bit from my 22 year old daughter. Unfortunately, sometimes our autistic daughter gets nervous, though, because she thinks we’re fighting. We have to back it down a bit to reassure her that no one is angry.
What I love about what you just shared in your comment here is the underlying principle of “safety for all.” Therein lies the foundation for great thought and great awakening. Thanks for swinging by once again, Jeff, Happy 2012!
I’m a bit of a…welll….I do a lot of arguing in house, but never online. I really need to work on it.
LOL I love your style, it’s what you say between the words that always makes me giggle. Honoured to be “working on it” at your side
same here
Civil disagreement. It should be possible but rarely is because we tend to take things so personally. (If you don’t agree with me then you don’t like me.) If people would just stop putting themselves in the middle of their own universes, things would be so much more civil and simple…
Amen, Sister. It is so true. If we could just separate the I from the WE… the human condundrum. Should you ever decide to run for any political position, I’ll move to the U.S. to get citizenship just so I can vote for you, LOL. Love the way you think
Write on.
I cannot remember the last time I had an argument, but it was many years ago. My view that the best way to deal with an argument is not to start one, nor to accept an invitation to have one.
Kao Pu say “If there is profit to be made, let others have it; if you have an argument, lose.” (from “The Book Of Guff”)
Did you know it is impossible to argue if you are both busy LISTENING??? That’s why we were given two ears and one mouth. My most recent disagreement was with someone who kept shouting HOLD ON HOLD ON down the phone and voice raising talking OVER me while bringing up issues of 30 years ago I thought long since resolved. Apparently NOT. Seems it serves others to well to bear grudges and that is why my concerns I was trying to raise of the present past few weeks did not go down well. Oh well. Not my choice but not engaging, the only other way to avoid argument, just don’t engage. My cousins were right, just ignore them. Confucious said if you are out for revenge, you better dig two graves. No revenge here. EVER. Just keeping it real, rational and realistic. If other’s become defensive it is a sign of their guilt, they know best what they did or didn’t do so who am I to argue with that. Action speaks louder than words. Always.
I just rediscovered this from http://bookofguff.wordpress.com/2011/12/06/obstacles/
“With quiet mind and open heart
a thirst for conflict has no place.
There is no end of time or space;
flow round the obstacle instead.”
Funny how those who most frequently claim no thirst for conflict, aim for blood every time. Well, I always say whatever goes out has our name on it so I hope those boomerangs of the future are sent with loving kindness. Otherwise a few people are in for a few shocks when their very own nasty boomerangs return to them. Shudder. Flowing around is so much nicer. Loving my boomerangs and your verse, Ben, thank you for sharing
Sharing is good.
Sharing is very good when one can actually do so, LOL Thanks for letting me share here