Just sharing some dating experiences. You might call this instalment two. But I’m sure there will be a third… or more… (smiles)… keep watching. And add your comments or stories if you have any, always glad to know I do not row this sea alone For now, I offer my online dating vocabulary along with the reason why I developed it.
Dating has changed so much in the decades since I was last living single that it’s almost hard to fathom. Well, for me it is, anyway. After 32 years of marriage, I was a 19-year-old all over again, thrust into a world of “altered dates” the like of which I have never encountered before and hope never to again. I resisted online dating as long as possible. Just didn’t think it could work. And really, so far, that is true. Even though it appears to have worked very well for two of my sisters.
For me, it has resulted in a couple of very beautiful friendships, guy friends I can hang with, see a show, a concert, go dancing and nothing more and I’m good with that. It has also resulted in several stories and a vocabulary that was as unexpected as the experiences endured to create it. The following vocabulary just naturally evolved as I could find no suitable word in existence for some of the strange, frustratingly repetitive and silly situations I, and I’m sure many others have found themselves in.
This includes male friends in the online dating scene, who have their own horror stories of finding themselves involved in crazy and even scary situations with married (of course she lied on her profile, don’t they all, sigh) and stalker women they met through online dating sites. Mostly it was idiotic conversations like the sample below that fueled the vocabulary development:
All this and much more led to developing a silly vocabulary which my friends and I think quite funny but I’m sure not everyone will. Nor do I expect them to as I don’t appreciate everyone’s humour either. Just the way free speech and our world are.
Otherwise, stand-up comedians would all be banned. I make no claim to be a comedian only that I believer we all have a unique voice. Just expressing the part of mine that is connected to my somewhat sarcastic funny bone.
Here’s the vocabulary:
ASSUMENSION: A special dimension for assuming online dater(s). Describes a condition wherein logic does not prevail yet assumptions are soundly pounded out on keyboards to the Evernet for all the world to see. Same presiding principle as mouth opens and brain rolls out on tongue.
ASSOMINION: Assuming person who expresses their unsolicited opinion.(Includes sending advice disguised as gifts re: “you’d do better without vocabulary.” Not true. Since vocabulary was posted contacts are more serious, intelligent. Mostly.) See Assumension for orbit of origin.
BACHELSPORE: Life-long bachelor/ette so fated by their very own thoughtless speech & highly questionable video/pictorial behaviour, all of which leaves one with an overwhelming desire to yank out the bleach to disinfect everything in sight as with mould or other fast multiplying fungi.
CRITIBULL: People who bullheadedly criticize your person, profile or pictures but fail to see that they have such sorry profiles and pictures they ought not be pointing AT ALL but simply noting the three fingers pointing right back at them.
DISOPEEPS: Disposable online people. Eg: If the novelty wears off or a person doesn’t do or say what you like or agree with, you may simply dispose of them and replace them with another. POOF.
DRAMACHING: Man who makes big production of buying you coffee, lunch or whatever. Right in his profile. Yes. Right in his profile. The visual is of tiny pecking birds cheeping, cheeping, cheeping.
EMANSULTATION: Email from man you do not know at all who takes it upon himself to insult you, call you names or make insinuations without any factual evidence or actual knowledge of your character whatsoever.
ESEXTORICAL: No matter where you try to lift the online conversation, the person continually brings it back to sex. Why bug regular folks when so many other online sites exist just for that? Oh wait, maybe they can’t read…well, LEARN and leave the rest of us alone.
KINFAMATION: One who speaks to you like you are kin or a familiar. Uses terms like sweetie, hun, baby, darling, sexy. Obviously any name would do so doesn’t even ask yours or cannot remember it after doing so. Symptomatic of serial daters, players who can’t afford to mix names up.
LAZYMANCER: Claims doesn’t know what to do anymore to romance a woman, does nothing and wonders why women find him not only unattractive but are repelled by his obvious lack of common courtesies.
MARLIONS: Married man or woman who tell on themselves via shady behaviour, daily contact or calling patterns/times, excuses re: bad or no pic, etc Unhappily married people? This is just plain nasty.
QUESSAFAIL: This person fails to ask any questions. Ever. Okay, perhaps one. But it is usually one just asked of them by you. No other expression of interest in you whatsoever. But tons of non-stop talking from him. About him. And his work. And his life. And his… and him… and his… Fail. Delete.
SPECALOO: A looky-loo who speculates that no matter what delicacy they have so fortuitously happened upon, there is always “something better” just around the corner. aka: Peter Pan UGH
SURKER: Silent lurker whose face always appears above your profile yet they utter nary a word. Here’s one: ICK. Is that a word? Well it is now, thanks to Surkers.
VOCAFENDER: One who vocally attempts defense of the poorly behaving by providing a penetrating glance into the obvious:”there are a lot of morons everywhere.” They are under the impression that we are just going to have to get used to it. NO. We are not. That’s what block/delete is for.
WORDGITATOR: One who regurgitates the English language, agitating the rest of us by substituting words they feel will suffice for actual words. Eg: enjoy fine “dinning,” searching for my “solemate,” love walks in the “forrest,” or the sky is the “limmit.” Or those special, difficult to type long openers: “hi sexi how ru 2nite.” I don’t know about you but those impress me so much I am left so speechless I accidentally hit the block/delete key every time. On the plus side, it proves they passed first grade. Maybe.
YELLERBACKAS: The first time they message you their ego goes into overdrive, apparently thinking if I can get this, I can do better! When they can’t, they look you up again. Second yell back their work is really cut out for them IF there is any hope of more than being ignored, that is.
ZEDLINER: Person who initiates contact and goes from A to Z in a single rude word or forward sentence, instantly destroying all possibility of any further connection with intended party.
EVOLVING ONLINE DATING EXPERIENCE VOCABULARY (C) Copyright March 8 2011
Update March 12, 2012 (c) JAM