“Writing is a struggle against silence.” ~ Carlos Fuentes
The above quote is my post for Saturday April 21st because I think I was annoying yesterday when I was manic posting. I told you I have no one to talk to in real life anymore. Well, no one local. And long distance works sometimes. Just.
My ex is known for having a vicious temper and I seriously believe he has anger management issues far beyond just an irritable obsessive compulsive state of mind he always exhibited with me, making us drive back over routes for years to make sure he never hit anybody. With me in the car. Yes. Me in the car. Or other members of our respective families. It was frustrating but I tried to understand, be kind and patient. I even bought books and workbooks about it. I read them. He never did.
Just as I tried when he came home from work in bad moods from people who could sense, as he put it, that he was weird and they’d step back from him nervously. He could never look people in the eye either. It really bothered him, even me, talking to me, he’d always look away. He said he is always thinking weird things and is afraid people can see his thoughts of wishing they were dead or whatever he thought of at that time.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I have enough human compassion to get that he is mentally suffering. The therapists have stated they believe he has some mental issues. But that doesn’t mean I feel sorry enough for him to permit him to “punish” me for his behaviours which he refuses help with.
So, my message here today is, he is likely stinging hot mad at me right now for things he DID or reactions provoked of his own accord and while he has wished me dead when I got home from Ontario in 2009 (he said he wished the plane crashed) and wished me dead when I came home from a major surgery from hospital in 2007 (he said he wished I died in hospital) so I’m guessing he’s still wishing me good and dead.
On that note, if I should go missing and nobody hears from me for more than twenty-four hours, kindly send out a search party for me. Otherwise, I’ll see you every twenty-four hours or less but really want to give everyone a break from yesterday so happy reading all. And thanks always for the love xo