So far away…this is what you feel when the doctor finds a lump that shouldn’t be there. I know because this is how I felt in 2007. Just before Christmas 2007 I was rushed in for surgery (total hysterectomy) due to a growth. Then I lived in limbo for a few weeks while they found out what it was. Benign. God how I love that word. My friend’s mother calls days that are neither terribly stormy or sunny ‘benign days.’
How I hope this is the word I hear again soon. Or that the lump is just another annoying cyst. Today when I saw the doctor and updated him on what my ex and former bff are continuing to do to me, how they lied to the police, how I have no local support from anyone, he said of the past two years with all my losses, walking away from 32 yrs of marriage with virtually nothing and coming through health issue after health issue, especially the bladder from my former bff kicking me, “Janice, your life is so tragic.” Not yet, it’s not, I said, much as they want me to be, I’m not dead yet. He just looked at me and shook his head in a manner of disbelief.
It is hard to believe. But compared to Viktor Frankl or Anne Frank, this is peanuts. Even a Peanuts Christmas is good. So, for me, cysts are okay, too. All I want for Christmas is to breathe easy. But then, that’s all I ever really wanted for Christmas. I love the lights and sparkle and watching little kids get all caught up in it but other than that, it’s just good to get there one more year.
Losing Mom in July 2010 had me put up a Charlie Brown Christmas tree, it wasn’t even a gesture toward Christmas so much as a representation of the loss I felt, my branches were bare and thin and no amount of ornaments could ever make it right. Just a few days ago, I see one of the interior design stores in their haste to garner Christmas rushers, has erected Charlie Brown trees painted white with white lights, or silver with silver lights or gold with gold lights… you know. See, another idea I had that could’ve made me money.
Life’s tapestry. We never know what will be woven for us until we awaken in the morning to see what threads remain to work with.
Tonight I was talking to an artistic friend who says he would love to see long length tapestry coats on women, the richness, the almost royal sense the fabric would give just makes him think of how beautiful it would look. If all goes well, happen he and I may well weave some artistic tapestries in the future that could see both of our creative bents finally benefit financially.
That leads me to thinking of Carole King’s Tapestry album. Happy Morrow to you whenever you read this.