So far away…

Scrooge's third visitor, from Charles Dickens:...

So far away…this is what you feel when the doctor finds a lump that shouldn’t be there. I know because this is how I felt in 2007. Just before Christmas 2007 I was rushed in for surgery (total hysterectomy) due to a growth. Then I lived in limbo for a few weeks while they found out what it was. Benign. God how I love that word. My friend’s mother calls days that are neither terribly stormy or sunny ‘benign days.’

How I hope this is the word I hear again soon.  Or that the lump is just another annoying cyst. Today when I saw the doctor and updated him on what my ex and former bff are continuing to do to me, how they lied to the police, how I have no local support from anyone, he said of the past two years with all my losses, walking away from 32 yrs of marriage with virtually nothing and coming through health issue after health issue, especially the bladder from my former bff kicking me, “Janice, your life is so tragic.” Not yet, it’s not, I said, much as they want me to be, I’m not dead yet. He just looked at me and shook his head in a manner of disbelief.

It is hard to believe. But compared to Viktor Frankl or Anne Frank, this is peanuts. Even a Peanuts Christmas is good. So, for me, cysts are okay, too. All I want for Christmas is to breathe easy. But then, that’s all I ever really wanted for Christmas. I love the lights and sparkle and watching little kids get all caught up in it but other than that, it’s just good to get there one more year.

Losing Mom in July 2010 had me put up a Charlie Brown Christmas tree, it wasn’t even a gesture toward Christmas so much as a representation of the loss I felt, my branches were bare and thin and no amount of ornaments could ever make it right. Just a few days ago, I see one of the interior design stores in their haste to garner Christmas rushers, has erected Charlie Brown trees painted white with white lights, or silver with silver lights or gold with gold lights… you know. See, another idea I had that could’ve made me money.

Life’s tapestry. We never know what will be woven for us until we awaken in the morning to see what threads remain to work with.

Tonight I was talking to an artistic friend who says he would love to see long length tapestry coats on women, the richness, the almost royal sense the fabric would give just makes him think of how beautiful it would look. If all goes well, happen he and I may well weave some artistic tapestries in the future that could see both of our creative bents finally benefit financially.

That leads me to thinking of Carole King’s Tapestry album. Happy Morrow to you whenever you read this.

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20 thoughts on “So far away…

    • Thanks, Elyse, I have had them years ago (2003) and there were three and they went away! I hope this is just more of that. I think I’m so tired from everything else unjust that is happening, has happened to me, I don’t even have the energy to worry much about, so much else to take care of. Maslow’s hierarchy would be topsy turvy if applied to me these days, I go long stretches without eating and then eat enough for a week in one day… I have periods where I think if I wind up on the curb, that won’t be so bad and other days, that’s all I worry about… sheesh … stress of end of marriage and court days. But I count my blessings. I once asked my mom “didn’t you ever get tired of cooking day after day?” “No, I was just glad to have something to cook,” she said. That is instant perspective for me. Thanks for the love. xo

  1. You have just breathed new life into my darkened view of Christmas. For me, the tinsel and glitter of that season is marred by childhood memories of family arguments, so I find it very hard to look on all that celebratory stuff with anything but suspicion. But for you, it means something so positive. Thank you, Janice, I will attempt to reprogramme myself, cause if you can find healing joy in all this, then I must make an effort to do so, too. xoxox

    • If you lived near enough, I would take you for a walk by the sea where the quiet blue lights on trees lining the pier walk reflect into the ocean as extra celestial stars! Those are the magic of Christmas things I enjoy and you’ll find yours, I know you will xo

    • Yes but, as one of my First Nations friends once asked, what if money is what is needed? LOL

      Learning to pedal and look at the same time, sharing and trading is a fine way to live if only more would do so, I think the imbalances would be much more balanced.

      Then I might even stop falling off my bike and yowling about it, LOL :)

  2. Love Carole King, i was playing her last double album yesterday…her songs are always soothing and vibrant…stay strong Janice, and a different season will bring special things into your life…some harsh seasons last several years, but when they end then the season of plenty is appreciated much more…because you had to the strength to make it through it all. Much love to you always my dear sister!

    • Wendell! I’m so pleased to see you here, I was wondering how you are. Inspirational as always, I see. Thanks kindly for dropping by and dropping this here. Your own forbearance is testament to the fact that you walk your talk. Thanks again, my dear brother-friend :) :) :)

  3. Really hope it works out for you, Aurora. I hope Christmas is good. It’s only a month away. All the best, and re that stuff of earlier this year, I hope that has cleared up well.

    Blessings :)

    • Hi, Noeleen,
      Your kindness is appreciated greatly. As for the “stuff,” well, I doubt it will end until everything is settled in court. But that’s okay. Christmas will be good, alone again or not, it was just fine being alone last year. It didn’t really hit me until afterward when everybody said what they did, were doing. Then it was like I had nothing to say. lol. My mum-in-law used to say “it’s just another day.” I think that’s a good way to go. Then you can make it special. Or not. Whatever you choose and that’s what it really is about. Staying on my path but writing is getting harder and harder to do and THAT actually worries me a lot more than Christmas right now…ah well, on with it now. So nice to see you still here, still writing, N, stay true, stay you! :)

Love and peace to you... your thoughts are always welcome here...

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