As one who has walked many fires in life and survive to tell, I can tell you this: No amount of positive talk, suggestions or others ideas of what we could be or should be doing will help. It did not help me. It actually left me feeling all the MORE inept at dealing with the blows life dealt me. As though I were somehow to blame for having the feelings I had.
Do we do this if one has suffered another type of loss? Or endured a horrific illness or accident no one saw coming either? No. We send cards, kind thoughts, casseroles… and give them space to heal.
It takes as long as it takes. This is what I have learned.
Do not feel pressured or further blamed for how you feel or for how long you feel it. That only compounds the initial self blame, fuels the fires of fault finding and, as I have come to learn in my own personal challenges, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. ABUSE OF ANY SORT IS NOT OUR FAULT!
If someone says something to you that triggers you, evoking a sensation of hurt within you because it echoes something someone else did while abusing you whether as an adult, a child or even still happening, I have, personally, found myself reliving it all over again. Shiny happy platitudes and get on with it attitudes have no place in the middle of a healing, grieving, loss process where I live.
In my observations, this happens frequently because the internet is a place where the majority expect others to “get over it” YESTERDAY so they can move on to today’s pallet of inane happy shiny “shares” about the shoes they bought or the coffee house they are sitting in or the exotic locale they write from or the cost of Christmas this year or the colour of the coat they will knit for their dog (now I love dogs, but you know what I’m sayin…)….
Sending you only love light and healing thoughts ALWAYS. May you go as slowly or quickly as you need to heal. May you recognize that others are also doing what is right for them and have no right to tell you where you should be, could be or cite a process they went through as evidence that you are dwelling and must move on as they were able to do. We are all different and I know of people who grieved death of a spouse for decades until they passed themselves and others who remarried in three weeks.
You are not another. You are YOU. You are uniquely, heavenly you. Remember, it takes as long as it takes.
Take YOUR time and do what YOU need to do. Keep writing, letting it out. It’s all I know to do in my own healing journey. Writing has saved my life. What I endured was not my fault.
Finally, three years after leaving an abusive 32 marriage and being abused/shocked into PTSD by my former best friend of 20 years, I have had to come to grips with the fact that 52 years of my life with them was FALSE. IT IS NOT MY FAULT. Their heinous criminal mentally/emotionally raping and physically damaging choices belong solely to THEM.
My healing has been, is still, difficult at times. But I intend to do a really cool thing called time compression. When I am well enough, strong enough, I will write the entire experience as a screen play, it will become a movie to out rival Fatal Attraction and I will set right the scales of injustices against me, thereby replacing my false decades with meaning, purpose and celebrating my successes each step of the journey. At least, this is my dream. I am getting better. I know this because last year all I dreamed of was being dead.
SURVIVING THE ABUSIVE CHOICES OF OTHERS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT.
Much love to all who read this.