Real World or Cheap Thrills?

Many are finding a new addiction sweeping the world: electronic gadgets. Many are also finding these gadgets creating an absence with an undeniable rudeness in their real world relationships. This letter is the result of observing same personally, repeatedly and on an alarming increase especially in the youth or addictive personalities among us:

Love Among the Ruins

Dear Sweet, Kind Male Friend:

You asked me to keep this confidential but I cannot. I won’t use names but here’s what I think:

  1. If your girlfriend will not stop taking her phone to bed with the two of you, there is clearly something on that phone she is doing worth more to her than your real life presence is.

  2. If you have asked your girlfriend about this strange behavior and all she does is grow defensive, says she is not “doing anything wrong” she is clearly not willing to part with her gadgets to purely be with you.  I get it’s not that she’s on it, it is what can possibly be so important 24/7 as any good psychologist would say you have a right to know.

  3. If your girlfriend insists on using her phone in your presence, that is just downright rude unless it is for brief, urgent matters as you do with her out of respect for her real world presence in your life. Ditto if she does not tell you who called/calls as I do my boyfriend.

  4. If your girlfriend keeps “hiding” what she is doing on the computer or turning the computer or phone screen “just so” that you may not see it, she is clearly doing something she does not want you to see. Apart from being extremely rude, that is a total trust issue. How can you build trust with someone who thinks sneaky behavior is even almost okay – you cannot. If the screen changes every time you walk into the room…

  5. If your girlfriend will not invite you to be her friend on all social sites available, she is clearly hiding something. Ditto if she joins singles groups without even telling you. (happened to me and I was so embarrassed for myself in front of all the online world of friends, family, writers and for b/f who was added IN the group – making it look like I did not even exist – ouch). There is no other reason for your girlfriend to NOT add you online especially given her own obvious and constant need to be online. It is not because she seldom uses her gadgets is what you clearly know already because her behavior told you so over and over and over already.

  6. When texting one another if it appears your girlfriend is sending huge letters/messages because you can see that happening right on the text screen where it shows she is still typing madly, yet you receive nothing at all, well… that is just not right. Douche bag is what my b/f would say of her, he would say she is showing you she is not a good person.

  7. No girlfriend (or boyfriend) should ever become upset at wanting to be “on the table with you about everything.” If you cannot speak to her about it because she blows up defensively to shut you down, you are not speaking to someone with healthy communication skills, someone who obviously has something to hide or it would be as simple as stopping doing those things around you. If only out of common courtesy.

  8. The biggest problem I think you will have with re-establishing trust even if she does STOP all blatantly questionable behaviors in your presence is, what was it that compelled her to believe this was even almost alright relationship behavior and the already proven fact she has illustrated to you over this past year that you will never know if this rude, addictive and unkind behavior continues in your absence. Even if she stops doing all of this in your presence.

I wish you well with this but I have been thinking long and hard on the matter as I’ve never heard of such a thing before in my life. My ex was addicted to the computer but NEVER carried his gadgets to bed, they were not running 24/7 nor did he wake me in our bed with them, tapping out messages to “someone(s) deathly important” as your girlfriend does nightly. This is very disturbing behavior to disturb another’s sleep over it and to criticize your own need for sleep is just plain mean and unfair.

Why not tell her your bedroom has to be a gadget free zone? That’s perfectly fair and what I would do. I would also continue to try talk to her and probably end it if she would not, rather CHOSE not to show respect for me.

I hope your girlfriend “gets it” – realizes how unseemly this “slippery” behavior is, how rude she is to not just you but others in your company, most unattractive – before she loses the best guy that ever happened to her:

YOU.

This is not even close to funny and my heart hurts for you and your dilemma. Usually I have better answers, happier answers for people.

But this one stumps me. I have no words for such a rude indignant’s stance over such immature and unnecessary choices since we already all know your girlfriend is no on-call brain surgeon.

And even if she was, there would truly be NOTHING TO HIDE.

Much love always. <3 <3 <3

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12 thoughts on “Real World or Cheap Thrills?

  1. This comment may well end up in Spam, poor thing, but it’s just saying that, from your posting, it is hard to see what anyone would want from a girl like that. She must be very beautiful or have a marvellous skill in the kitchen to keep her in his life, as her behaviour sounds pretty odd.

    • Peter, you are so correct… never even thought of it from that point of view but it really is odd, isn’t it. Not sure she has any “worthy” kitchen skills either. Who knows, time always reveals all, lol.

  2. During my period of intense on-line addiction*, I probably showed all the behaviours above. I was once someone’s ‘other woman’ on line, even. On-line is an environment where often it seems as though there are no rules; I used it as an arena in which I could experience all sorts of things emotionally, even things which, had I been honest with myself, were wrong. Eventually, in 2007, I had a breakdown, probably because of it. Later I did manage to get back on the bike and ride again. I’m just saying all this to assure you that people who do all the stuff you mention are human – like me – even though we are weak.

    *You may imagine how difficult it is, after that addiction, to maintain a sane presence on-line. For professional reasons I HAVE to maintain a web site, a blog, Facebook and Twitter accounts, etc., in order to keep up a public profile.

    • Because I never had that addiction, I can’t really imagine it though I do appreciate your sharing of your experience. It does strike me like a dieter who has cakes and cookies in the house or an alcoholic who visits people who host a full bar – you have to know your limits and stick with them – no matter what. Electronic, edibles, alcohol or anything we know is not good for us. If we have no limits or realize we are feeling shitty about ourselves, there’s usually a reason why. Clue: As soon as we stop, we feel better. Often I jump up off the computer and say, that’s enough of that shit for today. No more machine hostage, rather do real life. It is a bit of an issue in terms of having to keep a blog, facebook, twitter etc for writing but again, I have limits. They work well or else I feel as I do when I miss a work out, not happy, lol. Hope you will always only ever feel better and better and stronger and stronger because you are, you managed to do it! Go healthy you!!! No, healthy us, LOL :)

  3. I fear that there will be a whole generation of folks with their iPhones at every moment of every day. Imagine the bride at the alter, the father waiting for the baby’s head to crown … so many times you just need to put it down.

    But the woman in this is clearly hiding something. Or maybe she’s a blogger!

  4. I have the opposite problem–I forget my phone when I go out. :) And I wonder, if she were not addicted to this gadget, would she be addicted to something else? Addictive personalities always find something to fill the empty space inside them…

    • Ah, so. Kind sage, you grace us with your wisdom profound once again. Truer space was never appreciated like the letters of you message. Hollow insides. Sadness. Love you xo
      A Wee Grasshopper hoping while hopping to higher ground with her soulful sisters <3 <3 <3

  5. Great advice! I did have an internet addiction for about a year when I was very unhappy in my marriage. Once we split I gave up the internet and wanted to spend my time with “real” people. Then i met JC, a narcissist, psychopath who at the time didn’t even own a computer. When I moved in 6 months into the relationship HE got addicted to the net. I found out later he had always been like that, had an addiction to porn, dating sites, etc. He took his phone every where with him for fear I might look on it and find something. the screen always shrunk when I walked in the room, all the signs yet he swore to the point of anger that I was paranoid and he wasn’t doing anything wrong.
    I say bull crap, if a person is happy in their relationship they are not on the computer or texting other people, they are enjoying your company.
    When two people love each other they try to not hurt each other, if something hurts your partner and you don’t stop doing it obviously you care less for them than for what you are doing. Your priorities are pretty obvious. It doesn’t matter if you feel you have done nothing wrong, if it bothers your partner you have choice to make; continue to hurt your partner or stop. You don’t have to do what your partner wants, you are a free agent but there is a choice to be made then. and then the partner must decide, do I let it go and live with it or do I leave knowing I will never be able to accept this behaviour?

    • Exactly how I feel, Carrie. There is a choice for the addict to decide: do I want to continue hurting him/her or not? That simple. If they decide in favor of the thing that is hurting the love, they really don’t even give their partner – if healthy – any other choice than opting out.

Love and peace to you... your thoughts are always welcome here...

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