Nobody likes to hear these words. Everyone wants to hear: I can, I can, I can.
Think positive, they say, you can.
No. I. Can’t.
There are some things so ugly in the world that no matter how you frame them, they still come out as ugly and just plain wrong. Can you accept such things?
We may have to accept them in the physical sense that they actually happened to us or others and there is no way of undoing it. This does not mean we were party to those ugly choices to mentally or physically harm others. There is no way we can do anything about anything wrong in the world until we know about it. Even knowing about it does not help me accept it.
Yes, forgiveness, love and peace and all of that. I talk it, I walk it in my life as much as I can. Still, some of the brutalities I have survived, especially in the past two years including being called “crazy” by my former bestie along with the vile emotional and mental abuser… in MY OWN FORMER KITCHEN I decorated, painted and tiled when she was NOT even supposed to be there… he assured me she would not be there… but she was. Not just once but twice.
Him I knew could be brutal, it was those brutalities I had to escape after they thought I had cancer and did a rushed hysterectomy, I knew I could not die there in that marriage. Still, I stayed because it took me a year to heal and then we found out Mom was dying. I still managed to leave and wept with joy to be in my own place where no drunk could rip the covers off me in the middle of the night and say, get up, bitch, I have nobody to talk to, you lazy fat whore. Mom passed July 4, 2010, the same month I lost my job, dog and broke off with my incompatible boyfriend of many months who was no support through anything but again, only needy as was my ex, but I had no idea my trusted friend would do me in like that.
Court is coming again in September and it’s all closing in on me again. I am trying to take good care of myself and sleep well, etc but it’s challenging. I still sit in my little basement apartment with my 1985 car for hours with my eyes closed because they hurt from over two years of crying.
While they sit together with two houses between them, new vehicles, he still drinks and smokes, he told me just this year she had to take the keys from him to stop him drinking. Gee that’ll really work. He’s the shy side of sixty, doesn’t she think 32 years of marriage to someone with my background, character and references would have made some kind of dent? She, too, will learn the hard way. He already borrows money off her all the time – says, I’m barely making it, I had to borrow money off (hername) – just as he did me when I first left. Then when my boyfriend said, “he’s nickel and diming you to death.” I said no more.
I remember those key holding days in the early days of our marriage, phoning to make sure he hadn’t done anything stupid as his judgement always went with the booze, babysitting his addictions, keeping everything looking good, putting the pieces back together over and over and over – the days when he would ask me “did I do anything stupid last night,” I would assure him all was well. In the 90′s when I started seeing counselors and learning what good healthy relationships are, I stopped assuring him. He grew angry at me and punished me, wouldn’t talk to me for days. I really began to believe he had no conscience until something compelled him to confess something that broke me apart mentally and emotionally about 20 years in. He NOW claims he said it to hurt me but the other party he harmed never told until I asked and the stories are identical. Besides, there are many other things he said he did that are true – he did do them – but later claims says “just to hurt me” or “can’t remember” because he was too drunk but this one was the worst.
My whole life, all the effort I’d put into the marriage where he’d been so emotionally abusive and cruel already, was washed away. All for nothing. There was no fixing this one. No how. I tried to leave a few times after that but there was always a crisis of moving or his promises, that God had given him another chance, that he would go for therapy for his anger, his social anxieties and his addictions. He never did. But he sure called me crazy and much more that I can’t list here because it is so disgusting, whenever I reached for help.
Then, after I finally thought I had broken free to live my own life away from all of that, a second time my whole life of my near two decades friendship exploded when she refused to leave my home despite not even supposed to be there and made crazy motions at me when I asked her “How can you even WANT to press your parts where mine have been, KNOWING all he did to me, all his addictions and what he did to (named confession here)? She just turned her face up, smug and made crazy motions at me just as he had always done. She wouldn’t leave despite his pleading for her to and wound up kicking me. Yes. She kicked me. I suffered for a year after that, my bladder bleeding and it hurt to even sit or walk or anything. Still, the mental and emotional shock of it all is what grabs me some days. My bladder is finally at peace but I don’t feel safe anywhere anymore with anyone. Who could.
It was so SHOCKING… it still is… I try not to think about it but court is coming up in a few weeks and if he brings her again to smirk smugly at me as if she has WON something… I don’t know… last time I shook so hard, I could not even talk. Couldn’t answer any questions or think straight. This time I hope to have more support with me, my court worker was away then.
Thank God I was able to reach for help.
I can’t not reach for help ever again.
When I asked how he got past court security this year with the vodka in his jacket, he said, “how did you see that?”
Some things never change no matter what the outside looks like.
For him I have only a couple of words he used on me constantly: “Wah, Wah.”
Seems verbal boomerangs do return home.