RELATIONSHIP DEAL BREAKERS

English: The Communication, Context and Relati...

RELATIONSHIP DEAL BREAKERS

1. Is it okay with you if your girlfriend or boyfriend has unhealthy addictions issues?
MY ANSWER:
No. I don’t think addictive personalities have the will to stop the compulsion. That’s the ugly part of it. The addiction may change or be multiple addictions. But it’s the lack of control and willpower over the compulsion that freaks me out. Can’t handle it. Unless and only if the addiction becomes healthy as in fitness etc

2. Is it okay with you if your partner flirt chats online or in person with the opposite sex?
MY ANSWER:
No. If they do that then I would assume that it’s okay if I do it with lots of other men, too. But this is where the rubber meets the road in my world. Why would I want to do THAT in a healthy relationship? I would NOT. So, I personally believe it is better to be alone and healthy than settle for rude, insulting behavior like that in the real world. Not attractive to watch anyway, so telling on the person doing it, don’t want to ever do that to anyone myself.

3. Is it okay with you if you discuss an issue that keeps coming between you three times and the “resolution” is forgotten, the issue remains?
MY ANSWER:
No. If it was discussed more than twice, in my world that is called NAGGING and I hate to be nagged so will not nag. I’ll just maybe say one day, this really isn’t working for me anymore because the issue we discussed that had an ‘easy fix’ is still unresolved. I cannot go on like this. It is not fair or respectful to me to accept something I find totally repelling me away from you any more than it is okay for me to lead you on pretending that I can settle. Sorry. I can’t.

4. Is raising your voice okay to make your point?
MY ANSWER:
No. Raising your voice to yell another shut means reason is absent. If reason is absent, then it doesn’t matter the words, it will only escalate the situation, polarizing the parties further apart in my experience.

5. Is it okay to accept a health condition in a relationship?
MY ANSWER:
That depends on whether I was told up front and had the option of continuing or found out another way. I feel I can live with it if it does not interfere with any of our activities together or is caused by self harming/health negligence. If someone is self-harming or negligent toward their health, they need to get healthy before they ask anybody else to take that on. It’s unfair to leave out health conditions when dating especially when things grow serious. Nobody likes those kind of shocks because it feels like, if they withheld this, what else was selectively withheld. Just not fair.

6. Is it okay to talk about your partner to other people?
MY ANSWER:
No. Unless it is a polite, complimentary conversation. If anyone tries to talk about my boyfriend/girlfriend to me, I cut them off at the pass. If you are “dissing” your friend/ partner /boyfriend /girlfriend to others who will agree with you or your position, you are already betraying the relationship in my opinion. Unless you share THAT talk with your partner, it is obviously unhealthy. Talking directly to one another is the most constructive, healthy way for any relationship (friends, lovers or otherwise) to proceed in my opinion. Anything less than honor for the other is a no brainer. Should your partner ever discover that you did this, the relationship will likely terminate. (Mine would, can’t stand two faced, immature people.)

Just thinking aloud tonight because I hear the term deal breaker so much in relationships these days. What are yours?

(photo credit: Wikipedia)

12 thoughts on “RELATIONSHIP DEAL BREAKERS

  1. Been married 40 years.. had an addiction problem (Alcohol) that crept up on me, but shook it off and been dry for 25 years.. without partner support I would never have made it… the wife has had 3 different cancers through which I’ve been her closest non attached limb… to me these are not deal breakers in the right relationship, they can both be overcome… agree with you on all the rest…

    • That’s the kind of relationship I hope to have one day. Was married 35 years (still am but left in year 32). My partner was/is an alcoholic with other addictions and it never ended, that’s so great you’ve been dry 25 years – I married and it grew better because of me but was never completely dry and after I left was just gone over the edge with it. I was the supportive person, he was always only into himself. Cancer scares I had, he wished me dead but more because of what I knew about him and his own self loathing than me, really. It is true these issues can be overcome but it really does take a supportive partner or you feel alone as I did for so many years. Glad to be where I am now in my life. Thanks for sharing your story, love it!!! :)

  2. I’ve never been organised enough to make a list like this on any subject. I suppose I’m a ‘we are not all perfect so we might as well put up with it’ sort of person. Having said that I never have, and never would begin a relationship with an addictive person, violent person, unfaithful and all the rest of it, or not by choice. What happened to you was horrible but you will renew yourself in time, and have a richer life as a result of it.

    • Stand back from it, Jan, and you will realise that you will dance / will have danced around all these principles at some time. We humans are not made to run on rails, but to make mistakes and wrong choices.

      • Still, if you know you are making a wrong choice that could cause harm/damage, you’d stop it, wouldn’t you? I would. I never want to deliberately hurt anybody i love. Now, that said, if I inadvertently hurt them, I still want to know… in a fair, informative way that allows me to understand what I did so I can make amends. If you know you are doing something that is hurting, the option is to stop it. Or go on hurting until there is far more hurt stacked up than healing and you have to just walk away. jmo

    • The list is a cautionary tale for a person who has walked that road and doesn’t want to ever do it again, me! LOL Just realizing I never had a list when I was younger. Now I don’t have time for any stuff someone as old as I am should have taken care of by now themselves. I’m lucky to have all of you here in the blogosphere and my life is richer already for that, Peter :) Thanks for your vist, Peter.

  3. I’ve been married for 33 years. While it certainly wasn’t all bliss (never believe anyone who says so, they are either brain dead or lying) the love between us has grown and evolved. I liken our relationship to two trees nestled close together in a field. We share so much common ground and are rooted close together, bound by family and friends, and yet have room to each thrive separately as well as together. As we both grow in that field together, we thrive because some of our branches intertwine while others are free to grow independent of the other’s space. We don’t grow so close together as to squeeze out each other’s space to thrive and grow. The metaphor is a bit cheesy, but the reality is we are both different people than we were 33 years ago – life does shape us over time. The key is we’ve managed to accommodate each other’s growth in a complementary fashion and that makes our relationship and for our family and friends, hopefully provides a stable landmark on the landscape.

    I realize I digressed a bit, but I wanted to frame my response with the above information about what works for us. Since we both explore some things entirely together and allow ourselves to explore other interests separately, the foundation requires trust and honesty. Any violation of trust and honesty as a result are deal-breakers. Not a long list for sure. Neither does it have to be for a successful relationship. Trust and honesty.

    • “Any violation of trust and honesty are deal breakers.” Love that line. That’s what broke my thirty plus yr marriage in 2009 (still technically married) and I just don’t ever want to go down that road again. Too much. Keeping aware of what works and what is just never going to for me is the only way I know forward. Glad you found each other and managed to keep the honor all intact. That’s the heart of it all, really.

Love and peace to you... your thoughts are always welcome here...

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