I used to be pretty… Once…

I Was Pretty”

 

You used to say I was pretty

Told me you loved me every day

You used to say I was sexy

Let me know in every way

 

I know a good thing when I see it

You told me over and over

I’m not going anywhere

You are the one, my perfect lover

 

Now you go to cyber land every night

Good things forgotten, memory spare

Where it is you go, checking, checking, checking

I am not, no thought of me, nor care

 

What now should I say to you

This coming Valentines

When last year all you wanted was me yours

And you mine

 

You used to say I’m all yours

You used to tell me you care

Now all I see glows in the dark

Warning lights of just another stupid mare

 

You used to let no one interrupt us

That important I was at the start

Now you jump jump jump for beeping lights

Just words, were they not from your heart

 

You used to turn your phone off

You seldom your computer packed

Now every night is the same game

What I’m feeling is pretty wracked

 

I told the counselor what I see

Ask him what he’s doing she said

I’m upstanding, not doing anything wrong!

And the subject was killed dead

 

I play along though I see the screens

Still turned still away from me

They are turned right there in view

You would think me too blind to see

 

But I do, I can and I recall

That it wasn’t like this at first

Did I already see your best?

Do I really deserve the worst?

 

A day or two apart and quiet is

Your buzzing phone no more

Calls persistent then dying off

Each time like times before

 

We argue of nothing but this

And once in a while, money

Mostly it’s what you won’t show

Leaving me sad and not at all funny

 

You used to say I’m not letting go of you

You also said “I’m not doing anything wrong”

My mind reels back to times at first when

The only thing between us good rock song

 

You used to say I was pretty

These days I am just pretty confused

I don’t think you want a relationship

I’m just feeling sad and pretty used

 

If there’s a way back from this

I don’t know what be it, must

I know only I can’t carry on

Feeling a fool who cannot trust

 

If you want me to feel safe

And trust in your character true

Why then online sleazy slumming

Not okay with me but you

 

What would think you if I

Decided to try your tack

Staying up all night to chat

With trolls “pretending” and wanting me on my back

 

Would I be doing anything wrong

Would I be disrespectful of you

We’re never going to find out

Because this I will not do

 

You see, I don’t want to play games

Or get into any tit for tat

I just want love without secrets

Doesn’t everyone want that

 

Should I pretend I cannot see

When you vanish into space

Or should I demand you show me

What is taking my “real” place

 

Should I pretend I cannot pretend

Anymore or in safety talk

Because it’s not the words the problem

Only the talk you do not walk

 

Should I pretend I cannot see

Until the resentment is cloud high

You used to tell me I’m pretty

Now silence yours, all I can do is sigh

 

Unresolved issues unresolve issues daily

Ending goodness of intent, edged sharp

When one says one thing while doing another

And the other wearies of playing harp

 

I’ve traversed this road of deceptions

Over nothing but predatory lust

Can’t go there again with anyone

On shards of broken trust

 

Available, always checking with me

Yet when I call always asleep

Should I believe me this only happens to

While not to secrets that you keep

 

He’s whipped you said of buddy once

And, those men, I cannot understand

“Buddy whipping” their friends to ‘play’

Instead of being a good, honourable, pure man

 

There is no way of knowing

How many chances a chance giver should give

There is no way of knowing

How long with this one can live

 

I gave another many chances

That lasted decades long

No more time have I to donate

To addictions even you deemed just plain wrong

 

I believe you think I don’t know

On those nights I can’t get through

Our connection one of a kind, you said

You for me and me for you

 

No point weeping over it at all

You weren’t who you want me to see

You used to say I was the one

And I wanted to believe you, believe me

 

You said your marriage went bad

Last eight years internet spent

It’s fun and addictive you said

But, darling, a machine, alone, I can get

 

How long do I wait, not giving all I can

Pretending “not to see” always “ON” but not with me

How long before I feel truly safe

Always ON, ON, ON, machine’s hostages never free

 

How long before stubbornness drives away

What’s left of love, never to be seen again

Because of spurning, turning away goodness

For some impulse, needless whim of then

 

Your smile is so beautiful men say

Yes, beautiful that ‘s what the men always say

Until we become just another crazy bitch

Because they took your smile away

 

I used to be pretty.

 

©AuroraMorealist