Why would you stop reading?

My time on computers is limited by eye ache. Yes, I said eye ache. That and the challenges of PTSD that can jumble a page so badly I cannot make sense of anything on it. So whatever I do has to be fast. Luckily, copying and pasting my writing goes pretty fast, when I can do that. There are days when I can’t so I try to schedule things whenever I am triggered so you won’t think I’ve gone completely round the bend or decided to exit the planet altogether.

Where I have real problems on WordPress.com is reading other blogs. So much talent, so many brains out loud, I wish I had the eye stamina to read every single thing you all say.  It does go further than that though. If you are posting and I cannot read your blog in one click, I go off. More than a couple clicks and I can’t take it all coming at me. Please, I say, when I find something interesting to read, please let this be just one click to the piece and not a portion thereof. I cannot find where to click for the rest of your piece and only have so many clicks I can do per day before I have to go and recover my mind and my eyes.

What has happened in direct relation to my eye and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)  (just spelled disorder as Discorder, every sednonc word is a mess I have to corect it seems) problem is this: I stop reading sometimes. If you want to know why, I’ll share with you, if you can read past this, that is because this is about where my eyes give out or start “tweaking” me to shut down the computer yet again.

1. My apologies if you are offended but I will NOT read reblogs. I follow the people I follow for a reason. Reblogs are annoying and offend my “subscribe” sensibilities and physical reader limitations. I might even unfollow if my reader is plugged full of reblogs.

2. If your blog is too long, I will not read it because I cannot. And in being prevented from doing so, I may click like to show I do like what I read. Just wish it didn’t run more than a few brief paragraphs. Anything that takes pages or ages of scrolling is a definite “fly by.”

3. There is only so much personal life dribble I can take. If it is not “tightly written” with an original edge of some sort, I really don’t care to hear/read all about your trip to wherever (no I am not jealous, I am not a traveler so nothing to be jealous of but I am reader weary as in others sharing their travels as if it should matter to me) or your family dinner party or your relationship fiascoes.  Colorful writing matters and I don’t mean cuss words.  Too much personal leaves me with a special kind of “why should we care anyway” eye ache.

4. If I can’t FEEL something or LEARN something in the opening lines to hook my brain, I turn off. Otherwise, I might plunder through my life with thoughts provoked by your writing for hours, asking myself “how did he/she get inside my mind.”

5. Too many graphics. I don’t mind graphics. A couple is okay. Beyond that, I get really dizzy (truth) from trying to scroll the screen, see the pictures and digest the writing… if I can at all. Photography blogs are excluded here. Those provide a beauty and mini mental vacation I welcome, always.

6. Different bloggers attract me. I follow some informative but mostly creative writers. Some of the creative writing online is just mind blowing greatness waiting to be discovered. Others, not so much… As in the perils of Polly, somebody’s bird. Sorry but if you are into a cause, make it clear at the opening, please, where your title and catch phrase are. There’s no worse feeling of being duped than enjoying a wee piece of writing to learn a few more reads in that the blog is full of cause, cause, cause nobody told me about.  (MyInnerChickWithASideofBitch by Kim Sisto Robinson is a great example of what to do, what really works for a blogger with a cause.)

That’s all for now and I hope you will share why you don’t read so that I might be enlightened and understand something new I didn’t know before.

Thank you for reading.

ABUSE: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT

Grief

As one who has walked many fires in life and survive to tell, I can tell you this: No amount of positive talk, suggestions or others ideas of what we could be or should be doing will help. It did not help me. It actually left me feeling all the MORE inept at dealing with the blows life dealt me. As though I were somehow to blame for having the feelings I had.

Do we do this if one has suffered another type of loss? Or endured a horrific illness or accident no one saw coming either? No. We send cards, kind thoughts, casseroles… and give them space to heal.

It takes as long as it takes. This is what I have learned.

Do not feel pressured or further blamed for how you feel or for how long you feel it. That only compounds the initial self blame, fuels the fires of fault finding and, as I have come to learn in my own personal challenges, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. ABUSE OF ANY SORT IS NOT OUR FAULT!

If someone says something to you that triggers you, evoking a sensation of hurt within you because it echoes something someone else did while abusing you whether as an adult, a child or even still happening, I have, personally, found myself reliving it all over again. Shiny happy platitudes and get on with it attitudes have no place in the middle of a healing, grieving, loss process where I live.

In my observations, this happens frequently because the internet is a place where the majority expect others to “get over it” YESTERDAY so they can move on to today’s pallet of inane happy shiny “shares” about the shoes they bought or the coffee house they are sitting in or the exotic locale they write from or the cost of Christmas this year or the colour of the coat they will knit for their dog (now I love dogs, but you know what I’m sayin…)….

Sending you only love light and healing thoughts ALWAYS. May you go as slowly or quickly as you need to heal. May you recognize that others are also doing what is right for them and have no right to tell you where you should be, could be or cite a process they went through as evidence that you are dwelling and must move on as they were able to do. We are all different and I know of people who grieved death of a spouse for decades until they passed themselves and others who remarried in three weeks.

You are not another. You are YOU. You are uniquely, heavenly you. Remember, it takes as long as it takes.

Take YOUR time and do what YOU need to do. Keep writing, letting it out. It’s all I know to do in my own healing journey. Writing has saved my life. What I endured was not my fault.

Finally, three years after leaving an abusive 32 marriage and being abused/shocked into PTSD by my former best friend of 20 years, I have had to come to grips with the fact that 52 years of my life with them was FALSE. IT IS NOT MY FAULT. Their heinous criminal mentally/emotionally raping and physically damaging choices belong solely to THEM.

My healing has been, is still, difficult at times. But I intend to do a really cool thing called time compression. When I am well enough, strong enough, I will write the entire experience as a screen play, it will become a movie to out rival Fatal Attraction and I will set right the scales of injustices against me, thereby replacing my false decades with meaning, purpose and celebrating my successes each step of the journey. At least, this is my dream. I am getting better. I know this because last year all I dreamed of was being dead.

SURVIVING THE ABUSIVE CHOICES OF OTHERS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT.

Much love to all who read this.