Do you grow defensive when loved ones try to raise issues of concern to them and/or about your relationship with them?
Do you toss back unrelated remarks (insults/attacks/potshots) as though communication is some kind of contest you have to win?
If you find yourself doing this, you are not only communicating poorly but, I have learned, really not communicating at all. That is ranting, plain and simple. How do I know this? I used to do these things. Yes, I did. It is said when we learn better we do better. I do try now to:
Stop. (just stop, still myself to the moment)
Look. (look at the other person, what’s at stake and why we need this communication to improve our relationship)
Listen. (hear what the other is saying by repeating it to myself first and acknowledging verbally where they are coming from or at least their right to their own feelings)
Breathe. (sometimes I hold my breath without realizing it and the brain needs oxygen to keep the goodness of communication going)
Speak true. (don’t diminish or negate yourself or the other party in any way, stay true to goodness, fairness and respect for you and other(s))
I try my best now to walk in health, toward that place the soul knows before my logical brain actually catches up, that place where fairness and goodness have such brilliant clarity, there is no room to muddle the communication even for argument’s sake.
Who is argument, anyway, and why should argument’s sake matter more than anyone you love. It doesn’t.
The argument is about love.
It is always about love.
Love is kind, fair, respectful and safe.
Love lets us make mistakes because love knows that’s how we learn to get it right.
The soul knows when the goodness is falling, harm being done to the love because it cannot rest. It seeks distraction, agreeing minds or coalition forming to justify “rightness” of the unfairness where there never was any rightness or fairness.
Love is confident, love knows that it has the goodness power to stand alone. No matter what.
The soul knows when love is good and kind. The soul feels the love going out in a warm wash of emotion that leaves us all feeling honorable in the wake…
When anything but love is fired off, the soul quivers with the loss of goodness that could have been…
Love is a boomerang certain to return, this the soul knows…
Unkind boomerangs poison us apart.
Kindness, Fairness, Goodness is all we ever really have to give.
Love is all we ever really need to live.
Where is your love light tonight?
You cannot make another feel ANYTHING. If someone says “you are just trying to make me feel guilty” or “you are always attacking me” (even when said attacks are mere mentions of publicly unmentionable actions or CHOICES of their own taken) – it is very likely they may feel some strong emotion that needs to be looked at alright, but it has absolutely nothing to do with you asking for fair treatment at all. Usually their own emotion is disturbed by their own “knowing” they hurt/ignored/failed you/another in some small way … perhaps they know and feel this better than anyone – so it makes good sense they will grow defensive and go off without a single question.
Assuming and criticism of anyone is always correct even if we are so tired, impatient or (fillintheblank) we think it is okay to disrespect others with verbal pot shots, huffs & puffs, or terseness by labeling them “dramatic” or “fillinblank.” Whatever it takes to make ourselves feel better about the things we did to them. Labeling is healthy. It is good to be impatient and short-tempered with others around us because it fosters healthier relations and the labeled always know it was their own fault for making you behave in an agitated fashion in the first place.
Finding others who think like you will stunt your mental growth as surely as it does theirs. Finding others who say, wait, I see this differently or say to you: Imagine being in “their” shoes, etc, not only grows the brain but appreciation, respect and etiquette for everyone in the world around us. However, this is not good because it means growing out of our safe little protective shells of rightness constructed between ourselves and agree-ers clubs. We might not be popular. The risk is we will be moving closer to HEALTH. Nobody wants THAT.
If someone else agrees with me, I must be right because now there are two or more of us and only one of them (the wronger). Sometimes we ‘righties’ show up as “cyber bullies” but in the real world our footprint is stealthier because the thin thread of unity between us based on imaginary angers/emotions/frustrations toward others we don’t even really know at all and never did because we never asked them question one to learn a single thing about them and this is all that ties our “bully think” together. Nothing. But we are right!
Healthy communication requires no gangs, no validation nor anyone to confirm their “rightness.” Most of us know the difference between bad and good, right and wrong, fair and unfair, polite and rude, kind and cruel, respect and disrespect by the time we are in elementary school, we know how those all feel and we know we are allowed to say so when we are not being treated right or fair or polite or kind or respectfully if we need to as well. Don’t we?
People who SAY they are good people should never be questioned. We should NEVER observe any contradiction in what they SAY in direct conflict with what they DO because they gave us their word so “walking their talk” means nothing. We should just take everyone’s WORD for everything. Especially on the internet. It is always wrong to ASK QUESTIONS, assuming what they tell us is true always works so much better for healthy humans.
(C) JAM 9July2013 (DISCLAIMER: I am not a psychologist now nor was I ever nor am I giving advice in any way, shape or form to anyone. Merely food for thought in my own creative way. My background is on my welcome page here. I am just a little person on the edge of a cliff that some may well like to throw me over. Still standing. Still shouting. And finding that the more I shout in “writing the wrongs” the safer I feel even without harness. Just writing the wrongs… my way.)
churning, whorling, swirling biles give
rise tonight o’er deep seas bottomless knells
decides to keep babe unborne
AuroraMorealist (c) 20June2013
(oceanmoon1 photocredit: lakewentworth)