I was Pretty


You used to say I was pretty

Told me you loved me every day

You used to say I was sexy

Let me know in every way


I know a good thing when I see it

You told me over and over

I’m not going anywhere

You are the one, my perfect lover


Now you go to cyber land every night

Good things forgotten, memory spare

Where it is you go, checking, checking, checking

I am not, no thought of me, nor care


What now should I say to you

This coming Valentines

When last year all you wanted was me yours

And you mine


You used to say I’m all yours

You used to tell me you care

Now all I see glows in the dark

Warning lights of just another stupid mare


You used to let no one interrupt us

That important I was at the start

Now you jump jump jump for beeping lights

Just words, were they not from your heart


You used to turn your phone off

You seldom your computer packed

Now every night is the same game

What I’m feeling is pretty wracked


I told the counselor what I see

Ask him what he’s doing she said

I’m upstanding, not doing anything wrong!

And the subject was killed dead


I play along though I see the screens

Still turned still away from me

They are turned right there in view

You would think me too blind to see


But I do, I can and I recall

That it wasn’t like this at first

Did I already see your best?

Do I really deserve the worst?


A day or two apart and quiet is

Your buzzing phone no more

Calls persistent then dying off

Each time like times before


We argue of nothing but this

And once in a while, money

Mostly it’s what you won’t show

Leaving me sad, weird feeling, funny


You used to say I’m not letting go of you

You also said “I’m not doing anything wrong”

My mind reels back to times at first when

The only thing between us good rock song


You used to say I was pretty

These days I am just pretty confused

I don’t think you want a relationship

I’m just feeling sad and pretty used


If there’s a way back from this

I don’t know what be it must

I know only I can’t carry on

Feeling a fool who cannot trust


If you want me to feel safe

And trust in your character true

Why then online sleazy slumming

Not okay with me but you


What would think you if I

Decided to try your tack

Staying up all night to chat

With trolls wanting me on my back


Would I be doing anything wrong

Would I be disrespectful of you

We’re never going to find out

Because this I will not do


You see, I don’t want to play games

Or get into any tit for tat

I just want love without secrets

Doesn’t everyone want that


Should I pretend I cannot see

When you vanish into space

Or should I demand you show me

What is taking my “real” place


Should I pretend I cannot pretend

Anymore or in safety talk

Because it’s not the words the problem

Only the talk you do not walk


Should I pretend I cannot see

Until the resentment is cloud high

You used to tell me I’m pretty

Now silence yours, all I can do is sigh


Unresolved issues resolve issues daily

Ending goodness of intentions edged sharp

When one says one thing meaning another

And the other tires of playing harp


I’ve traversed this road of deceptions

Over nothing but predatory lust

Can’t go there again with anyone

On shards of broken trust


Available, always checking with me

Yet when I call always asleep

Should I believe me this only happens to

While not to secrets that you keep


He’s whipped you said of buddy once

And, those men, I cannot understand

“Buddy whipping” their friends to ‘play’

Instead of being a good, pure man


There is no way of knowing

How many chances a chance giver should give

There is no way of knowing

How long with this one can live


I gave another many chances

That lasted decades long

No more time have I to donate

To what even you deemed just plain wrong


I believe you think I don’t know

On those nights I can’t get through

Our connection one of a kind, you said

You for me and me for you


No point weeping over it at all

You weren’t who you want me to see

You used to say I was the one

And I wanted to believe you, believe me


You said your marriage went bad

Last eight years internet spent

It’s fun and addictive you said

But, darling, a machine, alone, I can get


How long do I wait, not giving all I can

Pretending “not to see” always “on” but not with me

How long before I feel truly safe

Always on, on, on, machine’s hostages never free


How long before stubbornness drives away

What’s left of love, never to be seen again

Because of spurning, turning away goodness

For some impulsive  whim of then


Your smile is so beautiful they say

Yes, beautiful that ‘s what men always say

Until you become another bitch

Just because they took your smile away


I used to be pretty.





There is a place where I know who I am and why the world is the way it is and what my purpose here is. 

There is a place where I doubt this almost daily.

And yet, I know.

I believe we all have this place inside us, deep within the layers of our human spirit soulfulness where love lives.

I believe we all doubt ourselves in some small way.

And yet, we grow.

IMG_2287And yet, we grow.

Like a flower planted long ago finding it’s way through concrete to the sun, we press on and find our way.

Shout little flower, your leaves so lost, your soul forgotten!

And yet, she glows.

(c) AuroraMorealist